California here I come, right back where I started from, where bowers of flowers bloom in the spring….. What an appropriate song. I’m flying to LA to visit my baby girl, inspired to write by the movie “What to expect when you’re expecting”..a comedy eliciting mega tears in me. Reminding me of what life is, the rawest of moments.
At approximately 5 years old in front of Charlie Lowe, the famous Talent coach for Sammy Davis Jr and Linda Blair, I was asked to sing…no, belt out that song, with animation, facial expression and hand motions. My heart beat like crazy and the fear of judgment was upon me. Mom wanted this more than I did, although some personal yearning was felt deep down in my soul. When it was my turn, he looked so big and powerful, intimidating my every thought, squeak and squeal. In the end, I overheard him tell my mom that this was just not my thing…go home he said. Find something else for her to do.
It wasn’t until 1982 that I went in search of my voice again…only this time it wasn’t for singing.
The room was cold, large and filled with about 250 people. The rules were strict. No talking, no eating, no bathroom breaks (unless you asked for permission)…and there was no guarantee that you’d be granted that.
We listened as the speaker spoke about life, how to walk, and choice. Vanilla or chocolate, reasons don’t matter and many other EST-y topics. While many people asked to leave the room and were not granted their request, I decided to just get up and go. It was funny how in doing so, the assistants opened the doors for me and let me walk…no questions asked. OK…so I understood choice….and somehow in doing so recognized my inner voice’s desire. Although speaking in front of a large group was still difficult.
We have these inner critics that hold us back and keep us from being the best version of ourselves. I asked myself today why it’s taken me so long to write…Fear of being laughed at, ridiculed. Maybe too much attention or not enough at all. Why do we resist the things that keep calling us? Why do we put them in a box and say “one day” or “no, not me…I’ll never do that”.
Today is different. My life coach asked me to do this several months ago. “Face your annihilation Debra”….is what he said. In my questioning…he said…”what ever that means to you…just face it”. So, I went horseback riding, booked an airplane jump, zipped on lines in Costa Rica…and still I didn’t face what was truly my biggest fear.
Public Speaking…not just presenting, but speaking with authenticity….like writing in a diary. Revealing my inner truths, my vulnerabilities, my fears, shames and passions.
Ok…so there. I took the leap.
What holds you back in life?